if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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