it hurts more in the daytime
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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