She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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