how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
