Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
