you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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