gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
