My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is it because I queefed?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She swung at the pinata with crutches
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
