In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
