it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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