I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
