my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
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