I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Gay?
German.
Pity.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
