I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
