You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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