I will die if light touches me.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
God, I missed his penis.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
