Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
