Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
