Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
