FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
