I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
