I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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