That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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