Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Sorry my hands just texted you
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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