Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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