This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
