I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
