I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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