i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
