it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Are we still banned from the library?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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