You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
