3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
