omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
