my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
