i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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