i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we're making bets on your personal life
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
