Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
