I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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