Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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