I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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