I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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