babies were throwing up all over the place
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
