If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The air taste purple.
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