this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
