Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
