I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
