I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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