I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
