there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
