its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
