i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
