now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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