You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
