I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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